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Night One – The Whispers
Nina had always loved the quiet of her historic apartment until the HVAC unit started whispering.
At first, it was just rattles and groans. She chalked it up to age, wind, or the usual creaks of an old building. But late one night the lights flickered and the temperature dropped. It was in that moment when she heard it: a faint, almost pleading murmur from the vent.
“Help… help…”
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Sometimes the smallest, strangest moments stick with us. A rogue sock in the laundry, a cat that refuses to behave, or a lace headscarf that tries to choke your favorite cotton sock — these are the tiny absurdities of daily life. They might seem trivial, but they’re gold for storytellers.
Read more: From Socks to Stories: How Life’s Tiny Absurdities Spark Fiction
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Just when you thought the worst of cringe-worthy erotic phrases were behind us, a new villain emerges: the Dinky Blinky Winky. Yes, it’s real. And it’s twitchy.
Erotic writing is an art, but sometimes words take a hard left into the realm of accidental comedy. This list is for writers, editors, and readers who love spicy scenes but want to avoid unintentionally hilarious imagery. Unless, of course, you’re writing a parody. In that case, welcome to your new toolkit.
The 10 Worst Offenders (Again)
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Romance writing is an art… and sometimes a fever dream. From tortured metaphors and anatomical impossibilities to comparisons that make you question reality, these lines made us laugh, cry, and whisper “who approved this?” Whether they're real or dangerously close to it, they remind us that even the steamiest scenes can go gloriously off the rails.
Read more: 10 Romance Crimes: A Dramatic Reading of Anatomical Absurdity
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Once upon a time, I wandered into an innocent romance writers group discussion and was promptly hit in the face with the phrase "love lasagna." It was like trying to find a movie on YouTube and accidentally landing on a full-screen upload of Caligula. I had to ask myself: What on God’s green earth did I search for to deserve this?
Bad metaphors in erotica are legendary. They’re the stuff of memes, roast threads, and regretful edits. Whether you're writing steam with sincerity or a parody masterpiece, here are 10 phrases that are infamous for a reason—and if you're wondering if I'm kidding about Caligula (1979) being on YouTube, I assure you I am not. It is 100 percent there, and there are several versions of it, apparently.
Read more: 10 Erotic Phrases to Never Use (Unless You're Writing a Parody)