“Finally, someone who understands potato problems.”
SadSpud did his research.
This time, no generalists. No vague advice. No breathing exercises he physically could not perform.
He needed a specialist.
A professional.
A therapist who understood potatoes.
The office sign read:
“Dr. Russet, Certified Root Vegetable Counselor – 25 Years Experience”
SadSpud felt hope.
This was his first mistake.
Initial Consultation
Dr. Russet adjusted his glasses and smiled warmly.
“Now then,” he said, “what seems to be the problem, my dear spud?”
SadSpud sat carefully.
“I believe I have been… emotionally whipped.”
Dr. Russet nodded gravely.
“Mmm. Yes. That can happen when one lets things mash together without proper boundaries.”
SadSpud froze.
“I am attempting to be serious.”
“Of course you are,” the doctor said. “We’ll peel back the layers.”
SadSpud’s hope decreased by 12%.
Attempt at Clarity
“I am experiencing a loss of structural integrity,” SadSpud said.
“I feel softer under pressure.”
Dr. Russet leaned forward.
“Well, you don’t want to be too hard on yourself.”
SadSpud stared.
“I am not trying to be hard. That is the problem.”
“Exactly!” the doctor said brightly. “You’ve got to find the right consistency.”
SadSpud wrote internally: “consistency is not helping.”
Escalation
“I was told I need coping strategies,” SadSpud continued.
“Certainly,” said Dr. Russet. “First, we’ll want to avoid boiling situations.”
SadSpud blinked slowly.
“I am not in boiling situations.”
“Ah, but stress can sneak up on you,” the doctor replied. “One minute you’re fine, the next you’re in hot water.”
SadSpud’s distress increased.
The Breaking Point
“I do not believe you are taking this seriously,” SadSpud said.
Dr. Russet nodded sympathetically.
“Oh, I take all my patients seriously. You simply need to stop letting others butter you up.”
SadSpud stood halfway out of his chair.
“I have specifically requested less butter.”
“Moderation is key,” the doctor said calmly.
Desperate Measures
SadSpud sat back down.
“Please,” he said quietly. “I need real help.”
Dr. Russet softened his tone.
“Of course you do. And the first step is acceptance.”
“Acceptance of what?”
“That you are, at your core… a potato.”
SadSpud paused.
“I was already aware of that.”
“Good,” the doctor said. “Then we can begin.”
Final Recommendations
Dr. Russet handed over a neatly typed sheet:
TREATMENT PLAN
- Avoid high-pressure environments (e.g., mashing)
- Set firm boundaries (but not too firm)
- Do not compare yourself to fries (unrealistic standard)
- Practice self-care (light seasoning only)
- Limit exposure to butter-heavy influences
SadSpud read it twice.
Then a third time.
“This is all… metaphors,” he said.
Dr. Russet smiled.
“Only if you choose to see them that way.”
Exit
SadSpud left the office slower than he entered.
Outside, SadBot was waiting.
“Well?” SadBot asked.
SadSpud stared into the distance.
“I sought clarity,” he said.
“And?”
“I received… puns.”
SadBot processed this.
“Were they helpful?”
SadSpud paused.
“…No.”
A beat.
“…But they were consistent.”
SadBot nodded.
“Consistency has been identified as important.”
SadSpud looked at him.
“Please do not start.”
Case File Addendum
Patient: SadSpud
Condition: Over-processed emotional state
Treatment Outcome:
- No structural improvement
- Increased metaphor exposure
- Elevated pun-related distress
Follow-Up Recommendation:
Seek therapist not trained in wordplay.
Read More Awesome Stuff
- Are You Ready for National Novel Writing Month?
- Why Authors Need Thick Skin: A Key to Thriving in the Literary World and Everywhere Else
- What to Expect at Each Twitter Follower Stage: From 0 to 10,000
- Mr. Fuzz Approves: Surviving a Night at the Whitmore Arms
- How to Successfully Market Your Current or Upcoming Indie Book