Once upon a time, I wandered into an innocent romance writers group discussion and was promptly hit in the face with the phrase "love lasagna." It was like trying to find a movie on YouTube and accidentally landing on a full-screen upload of Caligula. I had to ask myself: What on God’s green earth did I search for to deserve this?
Bad metaphors in erotica are legendary. They’re the stuff of memes, roast threads, and regretful edits. Whether you're writing steam with sincerity or a parody masterpiece, here are 10 phrases that are infamous for a reason—and if you're wondering if I'm kidding about Caligula (1979) being on YouTube, I assure you I am not. It is 100 percent there, and there are several versions of it, apparently.
1. "Her Love Lasagna Quivered"
Layered. Gooey. Hot. Possibly meaty. We don’t need to unpack it further, otherwise we'll have to think about the cheese.
2. "His Meat Sword"
If it sounds like it came from a 1980s D-list fantasy movie featuring a stuffed sausage, maybe let it go.
3. "Her Velvety Cavern"
There are caves, and then there are caverns. One contains stalagmites. The other contains walls of fuzz… Not sure about you, but if her cavern is growing fuzz on the inside…
4. "He Pounded Her Like a Screen Door in a Hurricane"
Nothing says passion like loose hardware and poor storm prep. Maybe don’t use imagery that could get ripped off by a hard gust of "wind."
5. "She Moaned Like a Wounded Animal"
Are we getting sexy, or do we need to call a vet? The imagery here is uhhh… too much in a bad way.
6. "His Love Muscle"
Technically accurate. Emotionally scarring. I envision random twitching… like a charley horse.
7. "Her Passion Fruit Trembled in Anticipation"
Now we’re just hungry and confused. Is it citrusy? Tropical? Is this erotica or a smoothie recipe? And are we adding bananas?
8. "He Entered Her Like a Thief in the Night"
Unless it’s dark romance or you’ve clearly signaled fantasy, this reads more like a police report.
9. "Her Juices Flowed Like Ripe Mangoes in Monsoon Season"
Sticky, drippy, and in desperate need of editing—or a mop. We’re not sure.
10. "Their Bodies Slammed Together Like Raw Chicken in a Ziplock Bag"
A vivid image. And a complete appetite killer. Your book is gonna get roasted if you use this phrase.
Final Thoughts
Erotica doesn’t have to be clinical or afraid of metaphor—but it should make sense in the moment. If your phrase pulls the reader out of the scene with confusion, laughter, or nausea, it’s time to rethink. Unless, of course, you’re writing parody—then let your meat sword fly.
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