Just when you thought the worst of cringe-worthy erotic phrases were behind us, a new villain emerges: the Dinky Blinky Winky. Yes, it’s real. And it’s twitchy.
Erotic writing is an art, but sometimes words take a hard left into the realm of accidental comedy. This list is for writers, editors, and readers who love spicy scenes but want to avoid unintentionally hilarious imagery. Unless, of course, you’re writing a parody. In that case, welcome to your new toolkit.
The 10 Worst Offenders (Again)
1. The Dinky Blinky Winky
“His quivering love rod… twitchy like a spastic eyelid.”
This phrase is the stuff of nightmares—and memes. Unless your novel is a horror-romance mashup, steer clear.
2. Her Passion Pothole
Romance is not a highway maintenance issue. No one wants to hear about loose gravel in the love tunnel.
3. Manaconda
Unless your lover is a literal snake, this term will scare off most readers.
4. Her Warm Cinnamon Pocket
Sounds like a baked good, not a body part.
5. Love Taffy
Sticky and stretching — best left at the carnival.
6. Pulsing Velvet Wand of Yearning
A phrase better suited to a fantasy RPG quest than a love scene, and your RPG gamemaster is still not gonna equip that hot mess.
7. Moan Canyon
Echoes guaranteed. Rockslides probable. You’ve been warned.
8. Her Buttered Biscuit of Ecstasy
Breakfast metaphors + erotica = nope. Cause no one wants to know why there's a biscuit down there! Then, we have to start wondering if they made it with baking powder or yeast.....
9. Throb-nobyl
Because no one wants a nuclear meltdown in their romance. that just goes where no human should go..... An atommic quivering glow rod....
10. The Lusticle
Is it a popsicle? Is it passion? Whatever it is, it’s melting—fast.
Why It Matters
Language shapes mood, tone, and immersion. The wrong phrase can yank a reader out of the moment and right into giggle fits or awkward secondhand embarrassment. If you want steamy without the cringe, avoid these. Or keep them handy for parody and satire—they’re comedy gold.