Some book reviews are so brutal, they could leave a paper cut on your soul. But we all know authors have been quietly crafting the perfect clapback. Here are the worst reviews online… and the savage responses we’ve always wanted to fire.
1️⃣ “I wanted to like this book, but apparently my intelligence offended the author.”
Why it stings: The reviewer didn’t critique the story—they attacked you. 💀
Comeback: “Don’t worry, your intelligence is safe—just not your reading comprehension. 😎📚”
2️⃣ “I’ve seen more coherent stories written on bathroom walls.”
Why it stings: Graffiti > your taste in literature. 🚽✍️
Comeback: “Stay safe in those sketchy bathrooms. May your next read be less… infectious. 😬”
3️⃣ “If boredom were an art form, this book would be the Mona Lisa.”
Why it stings: Ouch. Timelessly insulting. 🖼️
Comeback: “Thanks! Timeless and priceless is exactly the energy I was going for. 😉🎨”
4️⃣ “I didn’t know you could publish something that makes sandpaper feel smooth.”
Why it stings: Basically, “this book hurts my soul.” 😖
Comeback: “At least someone’s reading closely enough to feel the texture. Sorry it didn’t land! ✨📖”
5️⃣ “The plot twists were so predictable, even my cat saw them coming.”
Why it stings: Cats are judging you now. 🐱💢
Comeback: “You and your cat should reread it. Slower this time—maybe take notes. 📝”
6️⃣ “I almost liked this book… but then I remembered how many other books exist that aren’t terrible.”
Why it stings: Faux sympathy never felt so bitter. 😒
Comeback: “It’s okay. Not everyone’s palate can appreciate a chaotic masterpiece woven like a Persian rug. 🧵🔥”
7️⃣ “I’d rather attend a seminar on watching paint dry than read this again.”
Why it stings: Analogy overkill. 🎨🖌️
Comeback: “Bring book 2 to the seminar—you might develop a new appreciation while the paint dries. 😉”
8️⃣ “Somewhere, an editor is crying softly and questioning their life choices.”
Why it stings: Editors beware… the blame is coming for you. 😢
Comeback: “The editor is fine. You might need a hug… or a better snack. 🍫❤️”
9️⃣ “Reading this book was like chewing on a sock. Wet sock.”
Why it stings: Gross. Vivid. Horrifying. 🧦🤢
Comeback: “How do you even know that experience? I’ll pray for your taste… and your socks. 🙏”
🔟 “Congratulations, you’ve written a book that makes Twilight look like Shakespeare.”
Why it stings: The ultimate literary burn. 🔥📜
Comeback: “Are you sure you’re reading Shakespeare? Because I’m not sure you are. 🤔”
While brutal reviews can sting, they’re also an opportunity for humor, reflection, or even a clever comeback. Authors can take the high road—or the sassy route—knowing that reading is subjective, and not every opinion reflects the book’s value. A witty or gracious response often says more about the author than the critique ever could.
Bonus: Internet Wisdom for Authors
💨 Take a deep breath
😂 Laugh at the absurdity
📝 Write the comeback on a sticky note… just don’t post it. Or do—we live in the internet age, after all.
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