Experimental SQL Vampire Fiction
Chapter 1: Shadow's Bar Adventure
-- Shadow Conn enters the coffee shop
INSERT INTO CoffeeShop (Customer, Time, Mood)
VALUES ('Shadow Conn', '00:05', 'Hungry and Angry');
-- Jaq is late, check the parking lot
SELECT * FROM Vehicles
WHERE Owner = 'Jaq'
AND Status = 'Present';
-- Vampire notices empty café
IF (SELECT COUNT(*) FROM Customers WHERE Time >= '00:00') = 1
BEGIN
PRINT 'The coffee shop is eerily empty... just me and the bitter barista.'
END
-- Attempt to order a drink
INSERT INTO Orders (Customer, Drink, Extras)
VALUES ('Shadow Conn', 'Caramel Latte', 'Untouched');
-- Check if Jaq arrived
SELECT CASE
WHEN EXISTS (SELECT * FROM Vehicles WHERE Owner = 'Jaq' AND Status = 'Present')
THEN 'Jaq is late'
ELSE 'Still no Jaq, must find bourbon'
END AS StatusCheck;
-- Shadow decides to leave for the bar
UPDATE CustomerLocation
SET Location = 'Bar'
WHERE Customer = 'Shadow Conn';
-- Mood adjustment after leaving café
UPDATE CoffeeShop
SET Mood = 'Determined'
WHERE Customer = 'Shadow Conn';
-- Subplot tracking
INSERT INTO PlotLines (Character, Objective, Status)
VALUES ('Shadow Conn', 'Find Jaq and survive midnight hunger', 'In Progress');
-- Optional vampire drama
SELECT TOP 1 BloodLevel, EnergyLevel
FROM ShadowConn
ORDER BY Time DESC;
-- Shadow enters the bar, check if any patrons are interesting
SELECT Name, Drink, SuspiciousLevel
FROM Patrons
WHERE Location = 'Bar'
ORDER BY SuspiciousLevel DESC;
-- Shadow scopes out bourbon options
INSERT INTO InventoryCheck (Item, Location, Status)
VALUES ('Bourbon', 'Bar', 'Available');
-- Determine best strategy for finding Jaq
DECLARE @Plan NVARCHAR(MAX);
SET @Plan = 'Check alley, question patrons, prepare for unexpected drama';
-- Execute plan: check alley
SELECT *
FROM Alleys
WHERE NearbyBar = 'Bar'
AND Time BETWEEN '00:10' AND '00:30';
-- Shadow considers using vampiric powers for intel
UPDATE ShadowConn
SET PowerUse = 'DetectPresence'
WHERE Objective = 'Find Jaq';
-- Mystery twist: Jaq left a note?
INSERT INTO NotesFound (Character, Content, Location)
VALUES ('Shadow Conn', 'Meet me behind the warehouse, midnight', 'Bar');
-- Update plotline based on clue
UPDATE PlotLines
SET Status = 'ClueFound'
WHERE Character = 'Shadow Conn' AND Objective = 'Find Jaq';
-- Check for enemies nearby (optional tension)
SELECT EnemyName, ThreatLevel
FROM Enemies
WHERE Location = 'Bar'
AND Time >= '00:00'
ORDER BY ThreatLevel DESC;
-- Shadow drinks bourbon and gains +5 energy
UPDATE ShadowConn
SET EnergyLevel = EnergyLevel + 5
WHERE Location = 'Bar';
-- Prepare to move to next location
INSERT INTO TravelPlans (Character, Destination, Mode)
VALUES ('Shadow Conn', 'Warehouse', 'Stealth');