Oh boy. Oh boy. You’ve found yourself in a pickle. You need money and you need it now. In fact, you need it so desperately that you are hitting up everyone you can find on every social media site you can find. Your sick uncle needs $3,000 for an emergency surgery. You’re an author who just published a book, and your username ends in 44568685628966996, and you just don’t know how to get the money for your next book (seriously, this author thing has happened to me). Not to mention, your home just flooded, your roof fell in and you feel a front yard sinkhole coming on! Wait!? That didn’t impress anyone? Well, shit. In that case, I guess you forgot to mention your sick kid who’s life is in jeopardy due to a mysterious illness that you can’t name, but it also requires traveling to a foreign country to receive an experimental surgery, and you just don’t know what you can do about it! So!!! OMG . . You hit up every stranger on the Internet and try to think of the worst possible stories you can tell them.
I’ve Got a Solution for You!!!!!!
You can work for it! My first amazing, astonishing, can’t fail recommendation is to drum roll GET A JOB! Oh, but you don’t want a job. Okay. That's super fine. I have a rich Alaskan uncle that's not too bright, but he does have a huge house and a pile of cash from investing in Viagra when they still thought it'd make a good heart medicine. He's got so much money that he has no idea what to do with it. The only problem is that you'll have to travel for it. He doesn't have the Internet, and his phone only works intermittently - when he remembers to charge his phone and the satellite. However, if you manage to call and don't get an answer, just keep trying! Eventually, he will answer. Oh, but you'll need to speak loudly. He's a little hard of hearing since the freak bear, viagra and gasoline incident. And you may be stuck on the phone for quite a while while he talks to you about the benefits of viagra and how it's changed his life. I'd recommend getting at least a $500 prepaid phone card before you call. He really really really likes to talk about Viagra and all the benefits and how he's experienced each one personally.
First Step
You’ll need to travel to my long lost rich uncle’s location. This will require unpaid travel via airline. We estimate the airplane tickets for the round-trip will be $5,000. No food or lodging will be provided on your journey, so you’ll need to make arrangements for places to stay. We estimate that this will cost in the range of $200 to $300 a day. Estimate that you’ll be traveling for about a week.
Once you land at the major airport of your choice, you will need to take a Grey Hound bus to the nearest Canadian border. From there, you will travel via horseback through the Canadian wilderness. Please hire a guide. The animals will eat you.
From the Canadian border, you will travel to Alaska. Bring a coat! Oh, and extra shoes. Some of the terrain is so rough you’ll have to walk and lead the horses. These include mud pits and rivers. If you get lost, you’ll have to climb a tree to get your bearings. I guess I should mention that you’ll also need rope. I wouldn’t want you to fall out of the tree.
Once you get to the Alaskan border, you’ll need to travel further north along the river. Then, there’s a big oak tree about 200 miles north of the Alaska border, turn right. Bring a compass. you’ll be traveling due east. You’ll need to count your steps at this point. I hope your gait is about 18 inches. It’s 465 steps East, then, turn left until you are once again traveling North. You’ll walk about 1,295 steps North. Then, you’ll see a big rock. If you do not see the big rock, you’ll have to turn around and look for the yellow flag. Since the bears tend to play with it, it may be torn or on the ground. If the bear is still playing with it, leave the bear alone. Instead, estimate how many steps away from the bear you are, then subtract them from 50. If the bear is not playing with the yellow flag, walk to the yellow flag. Then, walk about 50 steps to the north.
At that point, you should find the rock. Next, turn left until you are headed West. Walk another 3,000 steps. At that point, you should see the trail that leads to my great uncle's Alaskan mansion. It’s about three miles long, and it should be muddy if it’s summer. If it’s winter, it will be frozen. Don’t get off the trail. There are wolverines and mountain lions and other creatures you shouldn’t really mess with.
Second Step
I hope you brought your muscles! When my rich ole uncle puts you to work, he really puts you to work. Also, you can’t be afraid of heights. One of the first things he likes his new employees to do it to check the condition of the roof. This requires climbing the old Oak tree on the back right corner of the house. Once you climb the tree to the lowest thick branch, you’ll need to shimmy across. Don’t worry if the tree branch seems too high for the three-story house. As you climb along it, the branch will get lower. Also, hopefully, you lost some weight on your journey. You must weigh 150 or less to shimmy across the branch. We used to say 200 pounds, but the branch started to crack last season. We’re not sure how much longer it’ll hold out.
As the branch slowly lowers, you’ll be able to touch down on the roof. Next, walk across the roof and look for areas of rust or discoloration or missing paint. If you see any of that, you’ll yell down the chimney pipe to my uncle. The pipe is large enough that he’ll toss you a rope. Due to the nature of chimneys, he can’t have the rope hanging down the chimney all the time. Fire risk.
Anyway. After several failed throws, you’ll eventually be able to catch the rope. From there, you’ll wrap it around the steel bar located next to the chimney. He will attach a 50 pound cast iron kettle to the rope. Then, he’ll load the supplies into the kettle. You’ll have to hoist it up. Since my uncle is a fantastic packer, that kettle can weigh up to 150 pounds.
You’ll need to complete any needed repairs once you have the supplies. If you need more supplies, you’ll have to lower the kettle and yell down the chimney to my uncle.
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The Daily Various Tasks
Anyway, as I said before, my uncle really thinks a lot of hard workers, and you’ll have to prove it. After you finish with the roof and miraculously make it off alive, you’ll probably get a choice in what you do next. Unfortunately, none of it is eat or sleep.
- Clean out the Chicken Coops – There are 200 chickens and they all shit all the time.
- Muck out the horse stalls – There are 10 horses and they all shit all the time.
- Feed the pigs – You don’t wanna know what’s in the pig pen. Don’t ask.
- Catch tonight’s dinner – The good news is that everything is super fresh. The bad news is that you saw it when it was alive. Once you catch dinner, you’ll have to process it in the barn. The good news is that my uncle will show you how. The bad news is that you are gonna do it while he explains.
- Any Other Seemingly Horrible Task He Asks You to Complete – This could be anything. I hope you’re handy.
The Outhouse
There’s no indoor toilet at my uncle's house. He doesn’t believe in having human waste in the house where you eat and sleep. The outhouse is located about 30 feet from the back door. It is unheated, and depending on when his last worker left, you’ll have to dig a new one. Since he’s been there about 20 years, there are several previous outhouse holes, and he forgot to mark most of them. A good rule of thumb is to look at the current outhouse and walk 20 steps in either direction. If you accidentally dig into an old waste pit, don’t feel bad. We’ve all done it. You just fill the hole back in and keep walking. Eventually, you’ll find a spot that wasn’t previously used as a shithole.
Once you finish digging the new shithole, I recommend taking a shower. It is an outdoor shower and it’s hit or miss as to whether or not it got hot enough to heat the hot water tank located about 30 feet above the shower stall. There is a privacy curtain, and if you yell loud enough, my uncle will get you a ratty towel. I’m sure the towel has been washed, but uhh . .where he might have stored it is another story. The good news is that he’ll give you the opportunity to buy toiletries and other personal items from his general store if you forgot to bring them with you on your journey.
Oh, he pays $7.50 an hour, and he thinks that’s damned generous. He estimates at 15 hours a day at $7,50 an hour, you’ll break even for your journey after about three months or between 88 and 90 days. After that, you’ll be able to earn the money you need to get the things you were asking about on the internet. However, since you have to travel back, expect to spend another $10,000, so this means you’ll have to budget for your return trip home. We expect this will take you about a year. If you need extra food or blankets, he recommends getting or making those items yourself. He does have a trash pile . . er extra supplies pile just beyond the outhouse. We’re pretty sure that the ground under the pile has never been used as a shithole, but we really don’t know. Anyway, you are free to raid the pile as needed. He also has a general store, and while he does sell supplies, everything you buy will mean more time spent at the rich ole uncle’s Alaskan estate. His general store isn’t cheap. Anyway, good luck. His number is 555-664-3825. (Hint: there is no area code 555 in the US. Please use your phone to decipher the message in the remaining numbers)
