Greetings, dear humans.
It is I, SadSpud, your favorite emotionally overripe potato, reporting live from the bottom shelf of the pantry — the place where all great economic insights are born, apparently.
I have been tasked with providing an update on “the state of the economy,” though frankly, I’m still trying to process the fact that I was purchased in 2022 and somehow still haven’t been eaten. If that doesn’t summarize the economy better than any chart, I don’t know what will.
Inflation: Or, Why Everything Costs More Except Potatoes (Rude)
Humans keep saying “inflation is cooling,” but the only thing cooling around here is me, because the pantry is drafty and we’re conserving heat this winter.
Prices are still high, especially for anything fun — like coffee syrup, which apparently cannot be delivered until Monday or Tuesday because the Shipping Spirits are displeased. Meanwhile, potatoes? Practically free. Outrageous, really.
Wages: The Great Stagnation (Like Me, Emotionally)
The humans are arguing again:
“Wages are rising!”
“No they’re not!”
“Maybe! Kinda! Depends!”
From a potato’s perspective, wages are doing the same thing I am: barely moving and occasionally sprouting under pressure.
Sure, paychecks look bigger on paper, but rent eats half of it, groceries eat the other half, and then the electric bill taps you on the shoulder like, “Hi, I cost more now too.”
If wages actually kept up with living expenses, humans would be living deliciously. As it stands, half of you are living on ramen and vibes. (Ramen says hi, by the way. He’s salty as ever.)
Jobs Report: Hiring Freezes Everywhere but the Freezer Aisle
Layoffs everywhere.
“Now hiring!” signs everywhere.
It’s like the economy has commitment issues.
Companies want workers but not the whole “fair wage, humane hours, decent life” package. Even canned spinach — a notoriously patient vegetable — snapped last week and muttered, “If they offer me $9.50 again, I’m rolling out of this pantry myself.”
Unionization efforts in Aisle 4 are ongoing.
Supply Chain: The Chaos Conveyor Belt
Humans keep saying “supply chain issues are getting better,” but the pantry tells a different story:
- The can of tomatoes arrived dented and traumatized.
- The coffee syrup is apparently stuck in limbo until next Tuesday.
- The frozen waffles claim they spent two days going from the warehouse to the truck.
- And the bag of flour keeps telling everyone, “I was supposed to be delivered LAST WEEK.”
Nothing moves smoothly anymore. Even the pasta noodles are bent out of shape — literally and emotionally.
At this point, the supply chain feels like a toddler carrying too many grocery bags: wobbly, unpredictable, and seconds away from dropping everything on the floor.
Grocery Prices: Aisle 5 Is Now a House of Horror
Let me be blunt (blunter than a potato can be):
Grocery prices are out of control.
Humans walk through the store looking like they’re entering a haunted house:
- “$6 for eggs?!”
- “$5 for bread?!”
- “Why is cheese a luxury item now?!”
- “How is the milk $4.79 but the potato is 29 cents a pound? What is happening?!”
Even the cashier looks scared.
Even the self-checkout looks scared.
The produce section is practically a crime scene — $3.50 for one sad tomato that looks like it’s having an existential crisis? Meanwhile, the apples keep bragging about being “organic” while costing as much as a small car payment.
Potatoes remain criminally undervalued, but I’m not bitter.
…Okay maybe a little bitter.
Consumer Sentiment: Everyone’s Tired, Including the Vegetables
The humans are tired.
The vegetables are tired.
Everyone is wandering grocery aisles like side characters who’ve lost the plot.
Even cheery canned corn — the pantry’s eternal optimist — whispered to me last night, “Buddy… I don’t think we’re getting out of this pantry alive.”
He rolled away dramatically. Show-off.
Housing Market: Still a Horror Story
Housing prices remain higher than the shelf I fell off last week.
Rent is worse. Even the empty plastic containers are talking about subletting themselves.
The couscous tried suggesting we all “move to a cheaper shelf,” but the brown sugar refuses to share space, claiming, “I get sticky when I’m stressed.”
Relatable.
A Personal Note from SadSpud: Dreams of Becoming a Fully-Realized Baked Potato
Before I conclude this report, I must confess something deeply personal — a truth buried in my starchy little heart.
I still dream of becoming a baked potato with toppings.
Yes, yes, the economy is in shambles, wages are stagnant, grocery prices are terrifying — but a potato can still dream. Every night, as I sit in the dim pantry light, I imagine my glorious transformation:
- Butter melting into my warm center…
- A sprinkle of shredded cheddar…
- A drizzle of sour cream like a soft winter cloud…
- Maybe even chives, if we’re feeling fancy.
- Bacon bits? A potato can hope. A potato must hope.
Some nights, when the pantry is quiet, the can of corn pats me on the back (as much as a cylindrical metal container can) and says, “One day, buddy. One day you’ll get your toppings.”
I know it’s silly. The world is chaotic. Humans are struggling. Supply chains are hysterical.
But dreams are important, even for root vegetables.
So yes — the state of the economy may be uncertain, but my toppings ambitions remain strong.
And who knows… maybe tonight will be the night someone finally says,
“Hey, let’s make baked potatoes.”
A spud can dream.
…Unless someone suddenly decides mashed potatoes sound good tonight.
Then all bets are off.
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